Oh…. Here comes gravity…..
Ho hum, it’s been difficult getting back into the swing of working this week; I can’t seem to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing at work. It is now Friday and I’m not going to worry about it, next week will be a new beginning.
I have been really enjoying reading other peoples blogs, it is like an insight into a different life, a different perspective. Some people seem to have boundless energy and their writing is full of cleverly descriptive prose and fluid writing, far better than some well known authors whom I have read. They talk about work, life and loves and I just think “Why aren’t you using your obvious writing talents to make a living?”, but who am I to ask?
As usual, my typical self loathing creeps in and I cant help that sinking feeling that everybody else has got more interesting things to say than me, they say it better than me, blahdy blahdy blahdy blah……..
Already I’m beginning to question what my motives for starting this blog might be, is it really because I want to get stuff off my chest? If that were true, I wouldn’t give a damn whether or not anybody reads what I have to say.
Or, is my motivation about seeking some sort of verification of my existence? Am I looking for comments from people that reassure me that I am OK? that I do have something interesting to say? That I am, in some way, more than ordinary?
That is, in itself an interesting statement (to me), it infers that I wish to be more than ordinary.
It doesn’t matter how successful, how often, or how magnificent my achievements might be, I am always unable to give myself any credit for what I have done. My constant quest for seeking some kind of approval must be a real drag for people around me, who must get tired of reminding me that I am likeable, loveable, intelligent and do have something interesting to say? When I do get what I’m looking for (although I can’t admit that I’m looking for anything), I can’t accept it, I have to make some pathetic excuse that devalues what I have done because, deep down, I don’t feel worthy of any praise, I have no idea why.
A good example recently is that just before Christmas I was awarded a small bonus for “high performing staff” at work for my, “significant contribution to environmental improvements in the Southern Region”. Since I had the letter, I have been in a deep depression; I feel like a fraud, what have I done to deserve that? I’m all talk, I have achieved nothing, but now I feel a great weight of responsibility on my shoulders, I have a lot to live up to, and one day, they’ll see through the thin veil of bullshit and find out what I’m really like………… See what I mean? In my estimation, that is what all my achievements boil down to, me being a complete fraud, and one day, I’ll get caught out.
Reassurance from my friends is obviously not enough, here I am, wondering whether, what I’m really doing on this blog, is seeking some extra reassurance off total strangers? And then feeing GUILTY about it. WHAT AM I LIKE……….!!
Fuck it…………… shut up, internal dialogue, go away, Fuck Off……………
On a lighter note (or is it?) My mum is coming to visit this weekend. I get on well with my mum although she can get a bit much after more than a couple of days. I guess I’m lucky really, at least I get on well with my mum. She is 75, drives a new mini cooper and models swimwear for pensioners (catwalks and catalogues), so she’s pretty canny and good fun.
My stepfather has gone to Banff with my brother on a skiing holiday and my mum decided to use the time to come visit me, considering none of my family have seen me at all over the Christmas period.
It’s about time I relaxed for a bit and let myself hang loose………..
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3 comments:
There's been a lot written about the feeling of being a fraud, and unsurprisingly, at its heart lies a lack of self-worth. The issues of wich you speak are more common than I dare say we all realise - they certainly resonate with me - but there is important work to be done to change, and though difficult, I can attest that it is worth the struggle.
And we all have something valuable to say.
Puss
I felt the same way when I started my blog... why? So many people write so much better than I. But you know what? I'm enjoying it, so f*ck it. I'm gonna keep doing it. It's therapeutic and a hell of a lot cheaper than a therapist. Do I really care if someone doesn't like my blog? NO! I do appreciate your comments, good sir. As I get more time, I'll get caught up on your blog and then, perhaps, we can compare notes.
Everyone who blogs wants some kind of attention, verification, validation of some sort. It's also a way to connect, of course --to interact and expand one's social network.
If these things weren't the goal, a personal diary would work just as well.
My point is -- don't feel badly about being "needy." You are in good company.
I know the fraud feeling you are referring to. I'm very well regarded at work, yet I often don't feel like I'm accomplishing much. Right now, for instance, I'm here on your blog... I think to myself, if I'M a "high performer," what the heck are the low performers doing??
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