Nothing

INFP (www.globalblackswan.com)


INFP Credo: "Be guided by your heart" (and suffer the consequences)

INFP Keywords: Loyal, Shy, Helpful, Dependable, Committed, Deep, Sympathetic, Nosy, Imaginative, Resourceful, Caring, Gentle, Idealistic

The INFP has two contrary characteristics, curiosity and shyness. They love to know what's going on, feel excluded if not kept informed but do not like to be the centre of attention. The INFP always wants to be invited to the party - even though the chances are she won't show up! I show up but rarely stay long, if I do stay, it is because I’m on one of my rare benders….

There is a sensitive, caring side to the INFP which means they will be see the interconnections between people and pick up on the verbal and non-verbal cues. Sometimes, I really wish I didn’t. The INFP does not want to be constrained by rules, regulations and obligations, and dislike the routine. So true, routine makes me very uncomfortable. Others will see the INFP as totally flexible, gentle and difficult to understand I’d like to think so. The INFP likes to do things in their own way and just get on with it, uninhibited and not micromanaged. I’m terrible at delegation, as a result, I wear myself out and find it impossible to ask for help.

The INFP would not appreciate criticism or a hard task-master. Yet there is a crusading side to the INFP which would surprise even those who knew the person well. I think this is true, however, most of my crusades are deeply personal and few people know if I’m on one. I’m dangerous when I’m crusading, my area manager says I’m like a terrier because I will not let go until I’m on top. It is the only time when I pay any attention to detail. When a personal value, or belief is trodden on, then the INFP can become outspoken and turn on the transgressor. Their values are usually so well hidden that the other person may not realise, but the INFP becomes like a champion of the cause and will be expressive, animated and at times go for the jugular. Like I say, I can be very dangerous.

The INFP values most those who take the time, trouble and effort to really get to know them. Only those who are allowed through the INFP 'assault course' will get genuinely close. Ha ha… I wonder what my friends think.. To others the INFP will seem like a gentle enigma. That’s how my family describes me. The INFP will often display their reactions to their feelings, rather than their feelings, and may bottle things up which then leak out at strange moments thus adding to the 'difficult to understand' image. Hmm…. Unfortunately, this is also very like me..

An INFP does not like to be categorised. They value their autonomy, and feel 'different,' and any system, (including this one), which tries to 'define' or 'explain' them would be denigrated. The INFP would say, 'You can't put me in a box, I'm different,' indeed they would all see this. This is how I always feel, unfortunately at the moment, I feel completely disconnected from humanity and everything in the universe, so "different" as to be totally and utterly alone.

To the INFP life is a long and convoluted quest for meaning and harmony and their personal values are so important to them. This means that it is essential to the INFP that their beliefs and their actions are totally in sync at all times. An INFP is unlikely to take any action which they don’t believe in their heart is right. In 50 years, I have failed to find any meaning in anything, there is no meaning, the universe is full of patterns and none of it means anything…People talk about universal love, I don’t feel it…. Sorry…..

Sensitive, caring and empathetic INFPs are excellent in supporting roles where people have to be looked after - especially if those people are close to the INFP. Because it can take so long (if ever) to get to know the INFP others paradoxically may see them as slightly cool or aloof, as they engage best when they have allowed someone into their inner sanctum. I’m so tired of it all, come in to my inner sanctum but be prepared to get nothing from me, no light, no joy and if you are looking for something positive, you may as well go now cos it's nowhere to be found here.

Objectivity is difficult for the INFP as INFPs feel things, really FEEL them and so to step back and give an objective appraisal of a situation or a person is hard because the INFP will consider these in relation to their own values and these are very difficult to understand as they are so personal. I feel everything so much I have become numb, I see everything and have become blind, I hear everything but deafness would be better than hearing the universe screaming.

They will take things to heart and any criticism will be taken very personally and seriously, seen as a personal affront and so wound very deeply. I’m too numb to feel any wounds. Rather than take issue with the person(s) , the INFP will invariably store their feelings up and they will fester. So serious can this be that the INFP may, rather than bring the issue up later, simply drop the offending person(s) from their life-space. . I am doing this right here, right now. However, although I am disconnected from that "universal love" that people bang on about (I'm sure its well meaning, but I really don't get it), I will do my best not to reject those who seem to truly love me, but I cant trust my judgement, I have been so totally wrong about so many things. I can't feel the love, but I can see the intent through the fog of my blindness. The INFP has a tendency to idealise relationships (not just romantic ones) and so are frequently disappointed when others don’t measure up… I know that this is my problem, I can't possibly expect ANYBODY to measure up to something that I cannot feel, I am impossible to love.

The INFP inhabits the internal world of imagination and creativity and are not bound by traditions or the usual conventions. They won’t deliberately go and buck the system they will simply withdraw and do things their own way. They can live and let live except when that lifestyle impinges upon their own values and then the INFP can become rigid and unforgiving. I can live and let live, but I can no longer exist in the extroverted world.

The ideal world of the INFP is one where they can immerse themselves totally in some interesting and personally meaningful tasks and reflective activities. This is true, trouble is, nothing has meaning, so nothing is worth doing. The INFP will however be devoted to things they personally see as valuable and so can make excellent supporters of organisations and causes. Hmmm, my latest calling is to talk to total strangers who are in distress or dispair. I’m not sure why I’m doing it, but it seems like it might be more worthwhile than “enjoying myself” in the extroverted world that I no longer have any interest in. They are not naturally practical and indeed may have to force themselves to do the mundane. However if the INFP can see some clear MEANING in task, that it is part of a wider cause and the contribution can make a really difference, then they will work long and hard on all aspects because then it makes sense to them. Nothing has any meaning, its all fantasy but I'll go through the motions for the sake of my family until I die… Some may say that this view is a waste of something that we are priviledged to have, to be alive and consious is a gift to cherish... no, it doesn't mean anything to me... if it does to you, then go and live your own fantasy..

An INFP will always look at the wider ramifications and any activity, task or project must have some bigger meaning or be part of something to which they feel they can expend their emotional energies and, if this is the case, the INFP can be so productive and even sweep up the detail - provided there is a clear causal link to the bigger picture. In some organisations it is the fact that an INFP is committed to the cause that makes things tick although they prefer to remain independent of spirit and of control they can, paradoxically, be excellent company-people. The INFP has an interesting, unique take on the world, will be generally seen as reserved but their passions know no bounds if they are committed to the task/project/people/organisation. Blah, blah, fucking blah…… true, true, maybe… what's the fucking point?

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP can have (often misplaced) pity. Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke a seemingly uncharacteristic impassioned response. Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations as the rest of humanity, but their duty is to the greater good - the cause and they are intrinsically idealistic and gentle in nature. A big downfall, I’m tired of it, battered, wasted and what for?.... In the words of Lemon Jelly - "Page One".....….. Nothing

INFPs can even adopt the role of crusading ESTJ to get things done, (surprising others who’ve seen only the gentle, quiet being), but only for a short period and not without expending considerable amounts of energy. This is also very true, this is me with my organiser head on, but the energy expended being the ESTJ party organiser, ensuring that others have a better time than I has left me empty…. The others however, just move on to the next party, thanking me for the good time that they had, but totally unaware of the personal cost of me stepping into the ESTJ shoes for their benefit…… What do I get out of it?... a reputation...... in otherwords, nothing.

In a team situation, the INFP will bring a sense of conviction and what is 'the right thing to do.' Although quiet, the INFP can glue the team together and ensure that all members' views are considered and given equal weight and the INFP will actually become vocal in their support of new ideas and contributions. I am/was a facilitator, quite an annoying style of management really……

*J*

This is bonkers its 2012, 4 yrs since I was last here

Reading through my meager last posts.... 4 years on and so much has happened since then but NOTHING HAS CHANGED.... I'm still full of the same angst, still single (had a couple of dismal failures tho) and I'm probably sadder for it....

OMG I'm back

Well, so much for blogging regularly.
Like much of my life, I'm full of promises I seem unable to keep, it's not good enough.
I've had a right old year, it would have been good to get some of it down. I'm just glad to have at least got here again after being without computer for a long time.

Grammar

Reading my own blog reminds me of my rambling trains of though, my poor grammar and my rubbish writing style. I really am, literally just getting stuff down as best I can and for the time being, that is going to have to do.

No wonder I haven't written that book yet, I'd need a "ghost" writer to do it for me.

I left school at the age of 15 with a U for O'level English language and literature and have never quite recovered what I didn't learn.

My experience of school was so traumatic, I didn't go anywhere near anything like an education, training course or any form of learning for another 20 years.

Goodbye TV

I know that this is going to be a short post...........

I have just spent a weekend with my mum, we get on really well and I love her to bits but she can be exhausting so I am breathing a sigh of relief (and I can feel a pang of guilt just by writing that statement, what am I like?).

I do wish that my mom wouldn't always try to "fix" everything, it can be difficult to talk to her about how I'm feeling because she just wants to make things better. She offers me money and all manner of "helpful" things and gets upset if she can't "help" me. I try to explain that all I really want is an ear and an objective viewpoint.

Mom, I love you and I am OK, really... !

I took my mom for a walk with E&J in the sunshine yesterday, as usual, yours truly fell over in the mud in a field in the middle of nowhere. We went to the pub for a pint and then went our seperate ways.. Later, I realised that I'd lost my mobile phone which must of fallen out of my pocket when I fell over. I went back to the spot nr Faversham in the pitch dark and wandered across the muddy field with my torch and amazingly found my phone. Losing my phone would be like losing part of my life, how sad is that, I don't like it.

Nothing much at work so far after the Christmas break. Team meeting today, lots of back patting, work planning and "creating a better place". I seem to have developed some kind of "reputation" that I feel under pressure to live up to. I don't want a bloody reputation, I'd like to tick over at work for a bit so I can get my personal life in order......... no chance. It's clear after today that I'm expected to "deliver" great things and demonstrate best practice.

Arrrrggggg, leave me alone... I don't want to lead the way, I'm lost, don't follow me, I'm winging it, HONEST.....

I really need a long holiday but I don't want to go on my own, again. I spend too much time on my own as it is.

I have discovered some really great blogs out here (I think that I might have said this before). I can't help feeling like I might be missing something, there must be lots of fantastic writing out there that I'll never stumble across. Still, after spending a whole evening catching up with my favourite blogs and leaving some comments, I know that there is no way that I could possibly handle keeping track of more than 5 or 6 good blogs anyway, well unless I just lurked and contributed nothing (which kind of defeats the object, hmm... what is the object I wonder?).

There are some lovely strangers out there..........

It's great, the TV is becoming less and less entertaining by the second.

Back to Reality

Oh…. Here comes gravity…..

Ho hum, it’s been difficult getting back into the swing of working this week; I can’t seem to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing at work. It is now Friday and I’m not going to worry about it, next week will be a new beginning.

I have been really enjoying reading other peoples blogs, it is like an insight into a different life, a different perspective. Some people seem to have boundless energy and their writing is full of cleverly descriptive prose and fluid writing, far better than some well known authors whom I have read. They talk about work, life and loves and I just think “Why aren’t you using your obvious writing talents to make a living?”, but who am I to ask?

As usual, my typical self loathing creeps in and I cant help that sinking feeling that everybody else has got more interesting things to say than me, they say it better than me, blahdy blahdy blahdy blah……..

Already I’m beginning to question what my motives for starting this blog might be, is it really because I want to get stuff off my chest? If that were true, I wouldn’t give a damn whether or not anybody reads what I have to say.

Or, is my motivation about seeking some sort of verification of my existence? Am I looking for comments from people that reassure me that I am OK? that I do have something interesting to say? That I am, in some way, more than ordinary?

That is, in itself an interesting statement (to me), it infers that I wish to be more than ordinary.

It doesn’t matter how successful, how often, or how magnificent my achievements might be, I am always unable to give myself any credit for what I have done. My constant quest for seeking some kind of approval must be a real drag for people around me, who must get tired of reminding me that I am likeable, loveable, intelligent and do have something interesting to say? When I do get what I’m looking for (although I can’t admit that I’m looking for anything), I can’t accept it, I have to make some pathetic excuse that devalues what I have done because, deep down, I don’t feel worthy of any praise, I have no idea why.

A good example recently is that just before Christmas I was awarded a small bonus for “high performing staff” at work for my, “significant contribution to environmental improvements in the Southern Region”. Since I had the letter, I have been in a deep depression; I feel like a fraud, what have I done to deserve that? I’m all talk, I have achieved nothing, but now I feel a great weight of responsibility on my shoulders, I have a lot to live up to, and one day, they’ll see through the thin veil of bullshit and find out what I’m really like………… See what I mean? In my estimation, that is what all my achievements boil down to, me being a complete fraud, and one day, I’ll get caught out.

Reassurance from my friends is obviously not enough, here I am, wondering whether, what I’m really doing on this blog, is seeking some extra reassurance off total strangers? And then feeing GUILTY about it. WHAT AM I LIKE……….!!

Fuck it…………… shut up, internal dialogue, go away, Fuck Off……………

On a lighter note (or is it?) My mum is coming to visit this weekend. I get on well with my mum although she can get a bit much after more than a couple of days. I guess I’m lucky really, at least I get on well with my mum. She is 75, drives a new mini cooper and models swimwear for pensioners (catwalks and catalogues), so she’s pretty canny and good fun.

My stepfather has gone to Banff with my brother on a skiing holiday and my mum decided to use the time to come visit me, considering none of my family have seen me at all over the Christmas period.

It’s about time I relaxed for a bit and let myself hang loose………..

New Years Eve - I am definitely on the mend

New Years Eve was great,

Before I go on about it, I discovered that not only has someone been reading my blog, but they even bothered to leave a comment. Thanks “ep write”, it means a lot to me.

Anyhow……………

Whitstable is the best party town ever…… it is getting a bit trendy now and there were one or two famous faces at the NYE party. It’s understandable why Whitstable is becoming so popular because of its party, arty and muso atmosphere. However, it is not so much the rich and celeb newcomers to the town that make it like this, it is the locals who have been having a ball down here for years.

The party kicked off with a kind of cabaret spoof of the “X factor” known as the “W factor” it was hilarious, with outrageously bad/good acts and generally a bloody good effort all over. I nearly wet myself with laughter a couple of times.

The band that I was playing in later worked together really well (amongst general chaos), everybody was dancing (but that was probably the booze) and a good time was had by all.

Then it was on to the first after party at S & A’s house where we danced and had a few cocktails.

Then it was a half hour walk to the next party (2.30 by now). I was with my friend T and T & P were with us, we met D on the way and tried to drag her along but where we were going was not really her thing. Still she gave us a bottle of bubbly to take with us, thanks D. We stopped and filled up with a bit of “mum and dad” swilled down with bubbly and arrived at the party at about 3:00am. Everyone was there and the DJ’s were playing some really great house music complete with some old skool classics. My mate P gave me a big line of coke on my arrival and that was me set for the night……. Only two days earlier I had been ill in bed.

Not now though, I’m making up for lost time and dancing the night away. Only when everything started to get messy (spilled drinks, people falling over and talking wobbly bollocks) was it time to leave, it was about 9:00am. T and I walked home, arm in arm, all a bit loved up and listening the birdsong as we walked down the “crab and winkle” line (look it up on Google).

I love T to bits, we are great friends and we both have real problems with lovers and relationships with partners, it’s mad because we get on so well and have so much in common that you would think that we’d be perfect for each other. We are either wise enough to know that if we were “partners” rather than friends we probably wouldn’t be that compatible OR maybe we are just to scared to try it out and spoil what we have………..

We both stayed over at C’s house, poor C, her new boyfriend D ran off in a huff on NYE leaving C wondering, a) what had happened to him, and b) what the bloody hell it was all about. Anyhow, after sleeping for most of the day, T and I stayed with C for the evening and had a really good and chilled time, we sat round the fire drank wine and ate chocolates and watched “Singing in the Rain”….. I forget how just how good Gene Kelly really was, and he was co-director. I hope C is OK, I’ll give her a call later.

I walked T round to her boyfriends house later, left her there and went home.

Yes, alone again…… I am getting a bit fed up of being on my own for 90% of my life. I haven’t had sex or even a cuddle for over 12 months now, not being one for picking up one night stands or even stealing the odd snog. It’s no good, I’ll forget what to do at this rate. I’m pretty rubbish at one-off sex, it’s all a bit fumbly, often a bit drunk and no one quite knows what to do and it’s all over a bit too soon. It takes a little while and a bit of practice with a particular partner to get good at it.

The truth is, I have never been very confident around women, they scare the shit out of me, at the same time as loving them to bits (most of my best friends are women). I have been had over big-time by women (especially my ex-wife), I don’t know if I have been unlucky or whether my lack of confidence around women makes me attracted to the wrong type, or, is my lack of confidence exploited by the wrong type……..

Whatever………. I’m 45 and I still haven’t figured it out

I met a girl at a party a couple of weeks ago, nice girl, her name was B and she was a couple of years younger than me, I was impressed that she asked me up front if I was single and available which gave me a lead in to suggest that we go out for a drink sometime. Well a couple of days later we did. The evening generally went pretty well, we talked and she made it a bit too clear that she was looking for someone without any “baggage”, as if she didn’t have any………
Well, how many people in their 40’s can say they have no baggage?....... I have three kids whom I love to bits, I have financial commitments to them, so although I have a good job, I have very little in the way of disposable income (well actually, I’m skint) and there is some emotional stuff to go with all of that, and that is how it is……..

I think that was too much baggage for B and I haven’t heard from her since.

Or maybe she just thought I was a jerk………………

Anyhow, I am rambling now……………… Time to go………