Well, so much for blogging regularly.
Like much of my life, I'm full of promises I seem unable to keep, it's not good enough.
I've had a right old year, it would have been good to get some of it down. I'm just glad to have at least got here again after being without computer for a long time.
Friday, 5 December 2008
Monday, 7 January 2008
Grammar
Reading my own blog reminds me of my rambling trains of though, my poor grammar and my rubbish writing style. I really am, literally just getting stuff down as best I can and for the time being, that is going to have to do.
No wonder I haven't written that book yet, I'd need a "ghost" writer to do it for me.
I left school at the age of 15 with a U for O'level English language and literature and have never quite recovered what I didn't learn.
My experience of school was so traumatic, I didn't go anywhere near anything like an education, training course or any form of learning for another 20 years.
No wonder I haven't written that book yet, I'd need a "ghost" writer to do it for me.
I left school at the age of 15 with a U for O'level English language and literature and have never quite recovered what I didn't learn.
My experience of school was so traumatic, I didn't go anywhere near anything like an education, training course or any form of learning for another 20 years.
Goodbye TV
I know that this is going to be a short post...........
I have just spent a weekend with my mum, we get on really well and I love her to bits but she can be exhausting so I am breathing a sigh of relief (and I can feel a pang of guilt just by writing that statement, what am I like?).
I do wish that my mom wouldn't always try to "fix" everything, it can be difficult to talk to her about how I'm feeling because she just wants to make things better. She offers me money and all manner of "helpful" things and gets upset if she can't "help" me. I try to explain that all I really want is an ear and an objective viewpoint.
Mom, I love you and I am OK, really... !
I took my mom for a walk with E&J in the sunshine yesterday, as usual, yours truly fell over in the mud in a field in the middle of nowhere. We went to the pub for a pint and then went our seperate ways.. Later, I realised that I'd lost my mobile phone which must of fallen out of my pocket when I fell over. I went back to the spot nr Faversham in the pitch dark and wandered across the muddy field with my torch and amazingly found my phone. Losing my phone would be like losing part of my life, how sad is that, I don't like it.
Nothing much at work so far after the Christmas break. Team meeting today, lots of back patting, work planning and "creating a better place". I seem to have developed some kind of "reputation" that I feel under pressure to live up to. I don't want a bloody reputation, I'd like to tick over at work for a bit so I can get my personal life in order......... no chance. It's clear after today that I'm expected to "deliver" great things and demonstrate best practice.
Arrrrggggg, leave me alone... I don't want to lead the way, I'm lost, don't follow me, I'm winging it, HONEST.....
I really need a long holiday but I don't want to go on my own, again. I spend too much time on my own as it is.
I have discovered some really great blogs out here (I think that I might have said this before). I can't help feeling like I might be missing something, there must be lots of fantastic writing out there that I'll never stumble across. Still, after spending a whole evening catching up with my favourite blogs and leaving some comments, I know that there is no way that I could possibly handle keeping track of more than 5 or 6 good blogs anyway, well unless I just lurked and contributed nothing (which kind of defeats the object, hmm... what is the object I wonder?).
There are some lovely strangers out there..........
It's great, the TV is becoming less and less entertaining by the second.
I have just spent a weekend with my mum, we get on really well and I love her to bits but she can be exhausting so I am breathing a sigh of relief (and I can feel a pang of guilt just by writing that statement, what am I like?).
I do wish that my mom wouldn't always try to "fix" everything, it can be difficult to talk to her about how I'm feeling because she just wants to make things better. She offers me money and all manner of "helpful" things and gets upset if she can't "help" me. I try to explain that all I really want is an ear and an objective viewpoint.
Mom, I love you and I am OK, really... !
I took my mom for a walk with E&J in the sunshine yesterday, as usual, yours truly fell over in the mud in a field in the middle of nowhere. We went to the pub for a pint and then went our seperate ways.. Later, I realised that I'd lost my mobile phone which must of fallen out of my pocket when I fell over. I went back to the spot nr Faversham in the pitch dark and wandered across the muddy field with my torch and amazingly found my phone. Losing my phone would be like losing part of my life, how sad is that, I don't like it.
Nothing much at work so far after the Christmas break. Team meeting today, lots of back patting, work planning and "creating a better place". I seem to have developed some kind of "reputation" that I feel under pressure to live up to. I don't want a bloody reputation, I'd like to tick over at work for a bit so I can get my personal life in order......... no chance. It's clear after today that I'm expected to "deliver" great things and demonstrate best practice.
Arrrrggggg, leave me alone... I don't want to lead the way, I'm lost, don't follow me, I'm winging it, HONEST.....
I really need a long holiday but I don't want to go on my own, again. I spend too much time on my own as it is.
I have discovered some really great blogs out here (I think that I might have said this before). I can't help feeling like I might be missing something, there must be lots of fantastic writing out there that I'll never stumble across. Still, after spending a whole evening catching up with my favourite blogs and leaving some comments, I know that there is no way that I could possibly handle keeping track of more than 5 or 6 good blogs anyway, well unless I just lurked and contributed nothing (which kind of defeats the object, hmm... what is the object I wonder?).
There are some lovely strangers out there..........
It's great, the TV is becoming less and less entertaining by the second.
Friday, 4 January 2008
Back to Reality
Oh…. Here comes gravity…..
Ho hum, it’s been difficult getting back into the swing of working this week; I can’t seem to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing at work. It is now Friday and I’m not going to worry about it, next week will be a new beginning.
I have been really enjoying reading other peoples blogs, it is like an insight into a different life, a different perspective. Some people seem to have boundless energy and their writing is full of cleverly descriptive prose and fluid writing, far better than some well known authors whom I have read. They talk about work, life and loves and I just think “Why aren’t you using your obvious writing talents to make a living?”, but who am I to ask?
As usual, my typical self loathing creeps in and I cant help that sinking feeling that everybody else has got more interesting things to say than me, they say it better than me, blahdy blahdy blahdy blah……..
Already I’m beginning to question what my motives for starting this blog might be, is it really because I want to get stuff off my chest? If that were true, I wouldn’t give a damn whether or not anybody reads what I have to say.
Or, is my motivation about seeking some sort of verification of my existence? Am I looking for comments from people that reassure me that I am OK? that I do have something interesting to say? That I am, in some way, more than ordinary?
That is, in itself an interesting statement (to me), it infers that I wish to be more than ordinary.
It doesn’t matter how successful, how often, or how magnificent my achievements might be, I am always unable to give myself any credit for what I have done. My constant quest for seeking some kind of approval must be a real drag for people around me, who must get tired of reminding me that I am likeable, loveable, intelligent and do have something interesting to say? When I do get what I’m looking for (although I can’t admit that I’m looking for anything), I can’t accept it, I have to make some pathetic excuse that devalues what I have done because, deep down, I don’t feel worthy of any praise, I have no idea why.
A good example recently is that just before Christmas I was awarded a small bonus for “high performing staff” at work for my, “significant contribution to environmental improvements in the Southern Region”. Since I had the letter, I have been in a deep depression; I feel like a fraud, what have I done to deserve that? I’m all talk, I have achieved nothing, but now I feel a great weight of responsibility on my shoulders, I have a lot to live up to, and one day, they’ll see through the thin veil of bullshit and find out what I’m really like………… See what I mean? In my estimation, that is what all my achievements boil down to, me being a complete fraud, and one day, I’ll get caught out.
Reassurance from my friends is obviously not enough, here I am, wondering whether, what I’m really doing on this blog, is seeking some extra reassurance off total strangers? And then feeing GUILTY about it. WHAT AM I LIKE……….!!
Fuck it…………… shut up, internal dialogue, go away, Fuck Off……………
On a lighter note (or is it?) My mum is coming to visit this weekend. I get on well with my mum although she can get a bit much after more than a couple of days. I guess I’m lucky really, at least I get on well with my mum. She is 75, drives a new mini cooper and models swimwear for pensioners (catwalks and catalogues), so she’s pretty canny and good fun.
My stepfather has gone to Banff with my brother on a skiing holiday and my mum decided to use the time to come visit me, considering none of my family have seen me at all over the Christmas period.
It’s about time I relaxed for a bit and let myself hang loose………..
Ho hum, it’s been difficult getting back into the swing of working this week; I can’t seem to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing at work. It is now Friday and I’m not going to worry about it, next week will be a new beginning.
I have been really enjoying reading other peoples blogs, it is like an insight into a different life, a different perspective. Some people seem to have boundless energy and their writing is full of cleverly descriptive prose and fluid writing, far better than some well known authors whom I have read. They talk about work, life and loves and I just think “Why aren’t you using your obvious writing talents to make a living?”, but who am I to ask?
As usual, my typical self loathing creeps in and I cant help that sinking feeling that everybody else has got more interesting things to say than me, they say it better than me, blahdy blahdy blahdy blah……..
Already I’m beginning to question what my motives for starting this blog might be, is it really because I want to get stuff off my chest? If that were true, I wouldn’t give a damn whether or not anybody reads what I have to say.
Or, is my motivation about seeking some sort of verification of my existence? Am I looking for comments from people that reassure me that I am OK? that I do have something interesting to say? That I am, in some way, more than ordinary?
That is, in itself an interesting statement (to me), it infers that I wish to be more than ordinary.
It doesn’t matter how successful, how often, or how magnificent my achievements might be, I am always unable to give myself any credit for what I have done. My constant quest for seeking some kind of approval must be a real drag for people around me, who must get tired of reminding me that I am likeable, loveable, intelligent and do have something interesting to say? When I do get what I’m looking for (although I can’t admit that I’m looking for anything), I can’t accept it, I have to make some pathetic excuse that devalues what I have done because, deep down, I don’t feel worthy of any praise, I have no idea why.
A good example recently is that just before Christmas I was awarded a small bonus for “high performing staff” at work for my, “significant contribution to environmental improvements in the Southern Region”. Since I had the letter, I have been in a deep depression; I feel like a fraud, what have I done to deserve that? I’m all talk, I have achieved nothing, but now I feel a great weight of responsibility on my shoulders, I have a lot to live up to, and one day, they’ll see through the thin veil of bullshit and find out what I’m really like………… See what I mean? In my estimation, that is what all my achievements boil down to, me being a complete fraud, and one day, I’ll get caught out.
Reassurance from my friends is obviously not enough, here I am, wondering whether, what I’m really doing on this blog, is seeking some extra reassurance off total strangers? And then feeing GUILTY about it. WHAT AM I LIKE……….!!
Fuck it…………… shut up, internal dialogue, go away, Fuck Off……………
On a lighter note (or is it?) My mum is coming to visit this weekend. I get on well with my mum although she can get a bit much after more than a couple of days. I guess I’m lucky really, at least I get on well with my mum. She is 75, drives a new mini cooper and models swimwear for pensioners (catwalks and catalogues), so she’s pretty canny and good fun.
My stepfather has gone to Banff with my brother on a skiing holiday and my mum decided to use the time to come visit me, considering none of my family have seen me at all over the Christmas period.
It’s about time I relaxed for a bit and let myself hang loose………..
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
New Years Eve - I am definitely on the mend
New Years Eve was great,
Before I go on about it, I discovered that not only has someone been reading my blog, but they even bothered to leave a comment. Thanks “ep write”, it means a lot to me.
Anyhow……………
Whitstable is the best party town ever…… it is getting a bit trendy now and there were one or two famous faces at the NYE party. It’s understandable why Whitstable is becoming so popular because of its party, arty and muso atmosphere. However, it is not so much the rich and celeb newcomers to the town that make it like this, it is the locals who have been having a ball down here for years.
The party kicked off with a kind of cabaret spoof of the “X factor” known as the “W factor” it was hilarious, with outrageously bad/good acts and generally a bloody good effort all over. I nearly wet myself with laughter a couple of times.
The band that I was playing in later worked together really well (amongst general chaos), everybody was dancing (but that was probably the booze) and a good time was had by all.
Then it was on to the first after party at S & A’s house where we danced and had a few cocktails.
Then it was a half hour walk to the next party (2.30 by now). I was with my friend T and T & P were with us, we met D on the way and tried to drag her along but where we were going was not really her thing. Still she gave us a bottle of bubbly to take with us, thanks D. We stopped and filled up with a bit of “mum and dad” swilled down with bubbly and arrived at the party at about 3:00am. Everyone was there and the DJ’s were playing some really great house music complete with some old skool classics. My mate P gave me a big line of coke on my arrival and that was me set for the night……. Only two days earlier I had been ill in bed.
Not now though, I’m making up for lost time and dancing the night away. Only when everything started to get messy (spilled drinks, people falling over and talking wobbly bollocks) was it time to leave, it was about 9:00am. T and I walked home, arm in arm, all a bit loved up and listening the birdsong as we walked down the “crab and winkle” line (look it up on Google).
I love T to bits, we are great friends and we both have real problems with lovers and relationships with partners, it’s mad because we get on so well and have so much in common that you would think that we’d be perfect for each other. We are either wise enough to know that if we were “partners” rather than friends we probably wouldn’t be that compatible OR maybe we are just to scared to try it out and spoil what we have………..
We both stayed over at C’s house, poor C, her new boyfriend D ran off in a huff on NYE leaving C wondering, a) what had happened to him, and b) what the bloody hell it was all about. Anyhow, after sleeping for most of the day, T and I stayed with C for the evening and had a really good and chilled time, we sat round the fire drank wine and ate chocolates and watched “Singing in the Rain”….. I forget how just how good Gene Kelly really was, and he was co-director. I hope C is OK, I’ll give her a call later.
I walked T round to her boyfriends house later, left her there and went home.
Yes, alone again…… I am getting a bit fed up of being on my own for 90% of my life. I haven’t had sex or even a cuddle for over 12 months now, not being one for picking up one night stands or even stealing the odd snog. It’s no good, I’ll forget what to do at this rate. I’m pretty rubbish at one-off sex, it’s all a bit fumbly, often a bit drunk and no one quite knows what to do and it’s all over a bit too soon. It takes a little while and a bit of practice with a particular partner to get good at it.
The truth is, I have never been very confident around women, they scare the shit out of me, at the same time as loving them to bits (most of my best friends are women). I have been had over big-time by women (especially my ex-wife), I don’t know if I have been unlucky or whether my lack of confidence around women makes me attracted to the wrong type, or, is my lack of confidence exploited by the wrong type……..
Whatever………. I’m 45 and I still haven’t figured it out
I met a girl at a party a couple of weeks ago, nice girl, her name was B and she was a couple of years younger than me, I was impressed that she asked me up front if I was single and available which gave me a lead in to suggest that we go out for a drink sometime. Well a couple of days later we did. The evening generally went pretty well, we talked and she made it a bit too clear that she was looking for someone without any “baggage”, as if she didn’t have any………
Well, how many people in their 40’s can say they have no baggage?....... I have three kids whom I love to bits, I have financial commitments to them, so although I have a good job, I have very little in the way of disposable income (well actually, I’m skint) and there is some emotional stuff to go with all of that, and that is how it is……..
I think that was too much baggage for B and I haven’t heard from her since.
Or maybe she just thought I was a jerk………………
Anyhow, I am rambling now……………… Time to go………
Before I go on about it, I discovered that not only has someone been reading my blog, but they even bothered to leave a comment. Thanks “ep write”, it means a lot to me.
Anyhow……………
Whitstable is the best party town ever…… it is getting a bit trendy now and there were one or two famous faces at the NYE party. It’s understandable why Whitstable is becoming so popular because of its party, arty and muso atmosphere. However, it is not so much the rich and celeb newcomers to the town that make it like this, it is the locals who have been having a ball down here for years.
The party kicked off with a kind of cabaret spoof of the “X factor” known as the “W factor” it was hilarious, with outrageously bad/good acts and generally a bloody good effort all over. I nearly wet myself with laughter a couple of times.
The band that I was playing in later worked together really well (amongst general chaos), everybody was dancing (but that was probably the booze) and a good time was had by all.
Then it was on to the first after party at S & A’s house where we danced and had a few cocktails.
Then it was a half hour walk to the next party (2.30 by now). I was with my friend T and T & P were with us, we met D on the way and tried to drag her along but where we were going was not really her thing. Still she gave us a bottle of bubbly to take with us, thanks D. We stopped and filled up with a bit of “mum and dad” swilled down with bubbly and arrived at the party at about 3:00am. Everyone was there and the DJ’s were playing some really great house music complete with some old skool classics. My mate P gave me a big line of coke on my arrival and that was me set for the night……. Only two days earlier I had been ill in bed.
Not now though, I’m making up for lost time and dancing the night away. Only when everything started to get messy (spilled drinks, people falling over and talking wobbly bollocks) was it time to leave, it was about 9:00am. T and I walked home, arm in arm, all a bit loved up and listening the birdsong as we walked down the “crab and winkle” line (look it up on Google).
I love T to bits, we are great friends and we both have real problems with lovers and relationships with partners, it’s mad because we get on so well and have so much in common that you would think that we’d be perfect for each other. We are either wise enough to know that if we were “partners” rather than friends we probably wouldn’t be that compatible OR maybe we are just to scared to try it out and spoil what we have………..
We both stayed over at C’s house, poor C, her new boyfriend D ran off in a huff on NYE leaving C wondering, a) what had happened to him, and b) what the bloody hell it was all about. Anyhow, after sleeping for most of the day, T and I stayed with C for the evening and had a really good and chilled time, we sat round the fire drank wine and ate chocolates and watched “Singing in the Rain”….. I forget how just how good Gene Kelly really was, and he was co-director. I hope C is OK, I’ll give her a call later.
I walked T round to her boyfriends house later, left her there and went home.
Yes, alone again…… I am getting a bit fed up of being on my own for 90% of my life. I haven’t had sex or even a cuddle for over 12 months now, not being one for picking up one night stands or even stealing the odd snog. It’s no good, I’ll forget what to do at this rate. I’m pretty rubbish at one-off sex, it’s all a bit fumbly, often a bit drunk and no one quite knows what to do and it’s all over a bit too soon. It takes a little while and a bit of practice with a particular partner to get good at it.
The truth is, I have never been very confident around women, they scare the shit out of me, at the same time as loving them to bits (most of my best friends are women). I have been had over big-time by women (especially my ex-wife), I don’t know if I have been unlucky or whether my lack of confidence around women makes me attracted to the wrong type, or, is my lack of confidence exploited by the wrong type……..
Whatever………. I’m 45 and I still haven’t figured it out
I met a girl at a party a couple of weeks ago, nice girl, her name was B and she was a couple of years younger than me, I was impressed that she asked me up front if I was single and available which gave me a lead in to suggest that we go out for a drink sometime. Well a couple of days later we did. The evening generally went pretty well, we talked and she made it a bit too clear that she was looking for someone without any “baggage”, as if she didn’t have any………
Well, how many people in their 40’s can say they have no baggage?....... I have three kids whom I love to bits, I have financial commitments to them, so although I have a good job, I have very little in the way of disposable income (well actually, I’m skint) and there is some emotional stuff to go with all of that, and that is how it is……..
I think that was too much baggage for B and I haven’t heard from her since.
Or maybe she just thought I was a jerk………………
Anyhow, I am rambling now……………… Time to go………
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
